pumping.

Take the iron gym challenge

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR

.....commercials, haha, i dont know.

the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on

i really need to start doing some of the things i used to do.

i used to listen to music so much, it's what put me in a good mood.

i don't know what's happened, but ive gotten so used to just turning on the radio

which typically is a horrible idea.

___

the song that made me realize this today though, listening to the radio, was the song "the remedy" by jason mraz. i've been listening to basically rap stuff all the time, just because it's usually whats on the radio, but the remedy happen to come on today as i was driving to walmart.

i didnt realize it really at the time, i liked how the song reminded me of being giddy.

___

tonight i had another one of my in depth chats with kristen. we started talking about college again, which is a pretty typical topic these days.

"I'm trying to think of why I actually want to go to college and what I actually want to do," is a pretty common thing to come out of kristen's mouth, but I started to think about what i really wanted to do with my life, what i would do if i knew i would be completely stable and not have to worry about money. I'm not really sure, I have this hazey vision that I keep adding details to. This obviously sparked Kristen's attention, since I didn't say that classic, "oh im going to work with my mom and my sister." But anyways, I have this hazey vision of wanting to take pictures of anything and everything and just selling prints. I also envisioned having a blog where I write about anything and everything I want to. In my creative writing class, we have been learning about memoirs, I've become really interested in this idea of writing. So trying to clear this fog, I think I want to take photographs, write about my interesting, hysterical, horrible, hilarious encounters that I have with life.

___

I said the tragedy is how you're gonna spend,

The rest of your nights with the light on

So shine the light on all of your friends

When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away.

knowing you're going to feel crappy....every month.

not fun.

ahhh i feel like im going to die.

my tummy hurts so bad.

it doesnt cost a thing to smile

i havent posted in a little while,

i've had a very up and down couple weeks.

i've been switching between being extremely happy and extremely sad. Those few extremely happy days, those are my good days. It means I've overcome the future and worry. Just like tuesday follows monday, there will be bad days of extreme discomfort and anxiety. I went down to a friend, Kristen's cabin in Missouri this weekend, intending to try as hard as I could to have an awesome weekend, but once again just like the night is dark, my mind follows.

I was watching Kristen's little brother, Mitchell, and it was the most hilarious thing thinking about how happy he is all the time. He's not the type that cares about ipods, nikes, under armour, etc. but he had a blast doing the smallest things. It was sort of inspiring, so for the three short days that I spent there, everytime I started to feel down, I thought of him and how Missouri was his favorite place to be. I forget how much I take for granted everyday. I was on an expense-free vacation with my entire family and one of my best friends and I was miserable. Now, many of these times of extreme sadness are not by my choosing, its all a matter of replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones. I'd like to think I have it figured out right now as I'm writing this, but I assure you that shortly after posting this, I will have an unexpected tantrum. It's almost scary sometimes how helpless you feel against your mind. But, I will say, my good days, they're worth it. I have a family that always is there to help, a boyfriend that adores me, and friends that despite my quarks, have not left my side.

--

I had another one of my moments this morning, where I just thought that I wasn't going to make it to school, let alone through the day, so I listened to this song, and although it didn't really work this time, I keep trying:

--

There's Hope: India.Arie

--

Back when I had a little

I thought that I needed a lot

A little was over rated,but a lot was a little too complicated

You see-Zero didn't satisfy me

A million didn't make me happy

That's when I learned a lesson

That it's all about your perception

Hey-are you a papa or a superstar

So you act, so you feel, so you are

It ain't about the size of your car

It's about the size of the faith in your heart

It doesn't cost a thing to smile

You don't have to pay to laugh

You better thank God for that

Off in the back country of Brazil

A met a young brotha that made me feel

That I could accomplish anything.

You see just like me he wanted to sing

He had no windows and no doors

He lived a simple life and was extremely poor

On top of all of that he had no eye sight,but that didn't keep him from seein' the light

He said, what's it like in the USA, and all I did was complain

He said-livin' here is paridise

He taught me paradise is in your mind

You know that

Every time I turn on the T.V.

Somebody's acting crazy

If you let it, it will drive you crazy

but I'm takin' back my power today

Gas prices they just keep on rising

The government they keep on lying

but we gotta keep on surviving

Keep living our truth and do the best we can do

Stand up for your rights

Keep shining your light

And show the world your smile