hmm

i officially suck at blogging.

i'm very jealous that my brother is on a plane on his way to mexico.

this is strange, because i havent wanted to travel in almost a year.

but i have to work. yay.

you and me go fishin' in the dark...

I'm pretty sure this is the hardest and best part of my life so far. I don't think I've ever cried this much. I find myself crying at everything- good, bad, cute, stupid, frustrating.I cried at a music video yesterday. Thats where you draw the line.

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This has been an extremely hard time in my life, missing my sister, contemplating where my life is going at this point, friend drama that seems so hard to escape, etc. I won't even mention that my computer is broken and on the verge of blowing up.

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Even though this is extremely hard I've been learning that I've basically floated through life thus far. This is the first time that I've had to make decisions for myself . It all seems to be rocking my world.....and not always in the easiest way-- if that makes any sense. Through this all I've had to let go of a lot of stuff, but in the end its not really losing anything. I haven't lost my sister, but I just have to try harder now. It's been easy my entire life since she's been here. I never realized how much I took it for granted till she was gone. With all of this I am trying to look forward to trips to Nashville to "shop for the best of everything" & singing some country tunes.--

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Along with my sister being gone, I really hope college brings easier friendships. People tell me that it does. Although I am terrified to leave my nest, I'm looking forward to the lack of drama that high school seems to bring to everything.--With all these new things in my life, my favorite thing right now is Ryan's (& my?) new puppy Anna. We call her Anna Banana. She is 10 weeks old today and she likes to chew on everything, but it's pretty hard to resist those eyes.

rolex

the only thing consistant in life is time.

i haven't written in here for about a month now, which seems crazy.

things change so quickly, not always significantly i suppose, but don't you feel a little different everyday?

i need to find topics for my blogs other than my random thoughts, because i get way to scattered when i get on here. so soon.....i will find something significant to talk about.....and i know if i dont, my trusty mother will come knocking at my door for not updating my blog, so never fear, i will be back.....

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after my homework is done.

pumping.

Take the iron gym challenge

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR

.....commercials, haha, i dont know.

the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on

i really need to start doing some of the things i used to do.

i used to listen to music so much, it's what put me in a good mood.

i don't know what's happened, but ive gotten so used to just turning on the radio

which typically is a horrible idea.

___

the song that made me realize this today though, listening to the radio, was the song "the remedy" by jason mraz. i've been listening to basically rap stuff all the time, just because it's usually whats on the radio, but the remedy happen to come on today as i was driving to walmart.

i didnt realize it really at the time, i liked how the song reminded me of being giddy.

___

tonight i had another one of my in depth chats with kristen. we started talking about college again, which is a pretty typical topic these days.

"I'm trying to think of why I actually want to go to college and what I actually want to do," is a pretty common thing to come out of kristen's mouth, but I started to think about what i really wanted to do with my life, what i would do if i knew i would be completely stable and not have to worry about money. I'm not really sure, I have this hazey vision that I keep adding details to. This obviously sparked Kristen's attention, since I didn't say that classic, "oh im going to work with my mom and my sister." But anyways, I have this hazey vision of wanting to take pictures of anything and everything and just selling prints. I also envisioned having a blog where I write about anything and everything I want to. In my creative writing class, we have been learning about memoirs, I've become really interested in this idea of writing. So trying to clear this fog, I think I want to take photographs, write about my interesting, hysterical, horrible, hilarious encounters that I have with life.

___

I said the tragedy is how you're gonna spend,

The rest of your nights with the light on

So shine the light on all of your friends

When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away.

knowing you're going to feel crappy....every month.

not fun.

ahhh i feel like im going to die.

my tummy hurts so bad.

it doesnt cost a thing to smile

i havent posted in a little while,

i've had a very up and down couple weeks.

i've been switching between being extremely happy and extremely sad. Those few extremely happy days, those are my good days. It means I've overcome the future and worry. Just like tuesday follows monday, there will be bad days of extreme discomfort and anxiety. I went down to a friend, Kristen's cabin in Missouri this weekend, intending to try as hard as I could to have an awesome weekend, but once again just like the night is dark, my mind follows.

I was watching Kristen's little brother, Mitchell, and it was the most hilarious thing thinking about how happy he is all the time. He's not the type that cares about ipods, nikes, under armour, etc. but he had a blast doing the smallest things. It was sort of inspiring, so for the three short days that I spent there, everytime I started to feel down, I thought of him and how Missouri was his favorite place to be. I forget how much I take for granted everyday. I was on an expense-free vacation with my entire family and one of my best friends and I was miserable. Now, many of these times of extreme sadness are not by my choosing, its all a matter of replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones. I'd like to think I have it figured out right now as I'm writing this, but I assure you that shortly after posting this, I will have an unexpected tantrum. It's almost scary sometimes how helpless you feel against your mind. But, I will say, my good days, they're worth it. I have a family that always is there to help, a boyfriend that adores me, and friends that despite my quarks, have not left my side.

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I had another one of my moments this morning, where I just thought that I wasn't going to make it to school, let alone through the day, so I listened to this song, and although it didn't really work this time, I keep trying:

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There's Hope: India.Arie

--

Back when I had a little

I thought that I needed a lot

A little was over rated,but a lot was a little too complicated

You see-Zero didn't satisfy me

A million didn't make me happy

That's when I learned a lesson

That it's all about your perception

Hey-are you a papa or a superstar

So you act, so you feel, so you are

It ain't about the size of your car

It's about the size of the faith in your heart

It doesn't cost a thing to smile

You don't have to pay to laugh

You better thank God for that

Off in the back country of Brazil

A met a young brotha that made me feel

That I could accomplish anything.

You see just like me he wanted to sing

He had no windows and no doors

He lived a simple life and was extremely poor

On top of all of that he had no eye sight,but that didn't keep him from seein' the light

He said, what's it like in the USA, and all I did was complain

He said-livin' here is paridise

He taught me paradise is in your mind

You know that

Every time I turn on the T.V.

Somebody's acting crazy

If you let it, it will drive you crazy

but I'm takin' back my power today

Gas prices they just keep on rising

The government they keep on lying

but we gotta keep on surviving

Keep living our truth and do the best we can do

Stand up for your rights

Keep shining your light

And show the world your smile

sleep sleep sleep

i feel tired all the time.

i hope getting back into a schedule will help

.....a little bit.

_

ill post more later, but im going to a softball game apparently.

_

--the funny thing about this softball game is that I don't even really want to go, I just said that I wanted to go so that I could win a fight....because I'm stubborn.

future says run

today we got our class schedules in the mail. my senior year. they've screwed it up....or well, in my opinion they have. my counselor is a douche and he's not going to do what i want. hes not the one that sits through those classes everyday. i dont like him. it's frustrating me, because this is reality that summer is coming to a close and now i'm really going to have to make some adult decisions. i've wanted this for so long, I always thought i was so ready to leave home and that I could handle it. I was so wrong. I dont need pressuring, i know in time i'll be ready, but right now its coming at me full blast. My boyfriend, ryan, is completely ready. I wish I was. I envy that part of him that is completely stable with himself. I'm far too attached to my little cave that I call my room in my parents house. I jokingly told my dad that I was going to live with him in his basement forever. He laughed and told me he wouldn't allow that, but I love that deep down my parents never want to let me go.

.

at times like these i have to remind myself that right now. in this moment. there is nothing wrong. im eating twizzlers and im completely fine. when i really think about it, i basically know that i'm going to UNI for graphic design.....i know. i don't have a decision to make. but im still afraid.

.

--on a lighter note. i started Twilight tonight. I'm only 27 pages in, but i like it so far :) im not much of a reader, but i kind of broke down and decided to follow the crowd and read it.

i know its not correct, but i like it centered.

that picture has nothing to do with anything. this morning, i start the 6,435th day of my life. what have i done that is significant? i've woken up with this bad feeling of having to actually decide what i'm going to do today. I instantly go into the mindset of "what is safe?" and i start to think of things that i can clutter my day with like cleaning my room, showering, going to the mall, you know, stuff within my comfort zone.

this whole feeling of not wanting to go out of my box started on a church trip that I've gone on three summers in a row now. This year we traveled to Daytona Beach, Florida for seven days. I was feeling a little bit homesick, so I wasn't feeling good. It was miserable. I didn't sleep for days. I started to panic because I felt so alone, even with over 100 people that I knew and some of my closest friends. Ever since then, I have little spurts throughtout the day where I feel like I could crumble into a million pieces. I have times where all I want to do is cry. Not to add drama. Just because it makes me feel better..........for a little while. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. My sister tells me that I'm not alone and there are so many people that know exactly how I feel, but some days I don't believe her. I feel so unstable. my momma tells me that im not crazy. one thing that i am truly greatful for is that through all of this, i've become increasingly closer to my mom and my sister. i feel as though, even if i haven't had a conversation with them that day, they're silent reminders for me, that i'll get through this, even when they don't feel that way.

Now don't get me wrong, I have my good days. I haven't lost my sense of sarcasm while losing my mind. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do today and I have this idea of something to do for somebody else and I'm so excited to do it. I'm about ready to skip showering all together, just so I can do this. I can't tell you what that is, because they might be reading this, but to some extent, I'm finding extreme joy in this dumb little thing. And that's when I know my sister was right.....she told me one time, a few weeks ago, while I was in the middle of my first panic attack, "Alyssa, you need to tell yourself positive thoughts, even when you don't believe them, and eventually you will." and I know that everything is going to be alright.

as im closing this blog, i'm listening to Politik by Coldplay and I never really listened to the lyrics, I mean, I know them by heart, but I've never really thought about them, so here they are:

Look at earth from outer space.

Everyone must find a place.

Give me time and give me space

Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul

Give me time, give us a kiss

Tell me your own Politik

And open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Just open up your eyes

Give me one, 'cause one is best

In confusion, confidence

Give me piece of mind and trust

Don't forget the rest of us

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul

Wounds that heal and cracks that fix

Oh Love, tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Just open up your eyes

But give me love over, love over, love over this

And give me love over this

surprise me.

I don't know how to start this. I've never been good at introductions. That's probably why 99% of my english papers are turned in late, because I can't start them, but with that said, I've come to realize that I do not write enough for fun and the stuff that I do write, I find embarrassing enough to throw away. Recently, my life is going crazy. I feel as if I see a little bit more clearly than I did before. I don't know what it was, but I feel like I understand things just a little bit better than I did before. Along with this new understanding has come an unbelievable awareness of my surroundings. I've become increasingly afraid of the future, afraid to have to make any decision that may turn out negatively, along with this comes the trials of everyday life and actually living out the beliefs that I've said I believe all this time. They are now being put to the test and it scares the living hell out of me.

I was talking to one of my best friends, Kristen, today. We were having a conversation about how recent events in my life have led me to have to actually live out my faith and the things that I've told myself and others that I have believed for so long. She proceeded to walk across the room and grab a book that she reads a chapter from everyday called "Surprise Me" by Terry Esau. Today was about being a "robot christian" and "to make a long story short" (as my mother would say), it said that Jesus died for us because he knew he could handle our questions and our sins and how we can't just be "normal", we have to be out there, step out of our comfort zones and really live out what we believe....

this is where my panic begins....

our pizza is late.

i dont know how to start this.... but i dont really feel like this^^ today....