i know its not correct, but i like it centered.

that picture has nothing to do with anything. this morning, i start the 6,435th day of my life. what have i done that is significant? i've woken up with this bad feeling of having to actually decide what i'm going to do today. I instantly go into the mindset of "what is safe?" and i start to think of things that i can clutter my day with like cleaning my room, showering, going to the mall, you know, stuff within my comfort zone.

this whole feeling of not wanting to go out of my box started on a church trip that I've gone on three summers in a row now. This year we traveled to Daytona Beach, Florida for seven days. I was feeling a little bit homesick, so I wasn't feeling good. It was miserable. I didn't sleep for days. I started to panic because I felt so alone, even with over 100 people that I knew and some of my closest friends. Ever since then, I have little spurts throughtout the day where I feel like I could crumble into a million pieces. I have times where all I want to do is cry. Not to add drama. Just because it makes me feel better..........for a little while. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. My sister tells me that I'm not alone and there are so many people that know exactly how I feel, but some days I don't believe her. I feel so unstable. my momma tells me that im not crazy. one thing that i am truly greatful for is that through all of this, i've become increasingly closer to my mom and my sister. i feel as though, even if i haven't had a conversation with them that day, they're silent reminders for me, that i'll get through this, even when they don't feel that way.

Now don't get me wrong, I have my good days. I haven't lost my sense of sarcasm while losing my mind. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do today and I have this idea of something to do for somebody else and I'm so excited to do it. I'm about ready to skip showering all together, just so I can do this. I can't tell you what that is, because they might be reading this, but to some extent, I'm finding extreme joy in this dumb little thing. And that's when I know my sister was right.....she told me one time, a few weeks ago, while I was in the middle of my first panic attack, "Alyssa, you need to tell yourself positive thoughts, even when you don't believe them, and eventually you will." and I know that everything is going to be alright.

as im closing this blog, i'm listening to Politik by Coldplay and I never really listened to the lyrics, I mean, I know them by heart, but I've never really thought about them, so here they are:

Look at earth from outer space.

Everyone must find a place.

Give me time and give me space

Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul

Give me time, give us a kiss

Tell me your own Politik

And open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Just open up your eyes

Give me one, 'cause one is best

In confusion, confidence

Give me piece of mind and trust

Don't forget the rest of us

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul

Wounds that heal and cracks that fix

Oh Love, tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Just open up your eyes

But give me love over, love over, love over this

And give me love over this