sleep sleep sleep

i feel tired all the time.

i hope getting back into a schedule will help

.....a little bit.

_

ill post more later, but im going to a softball game apparently.

_

--the funny thing about this softball game is that I don't even really want to go, I just said that I wanted to go so that I could win a fight....because I'm stubborn.

future says run

today we got our class schedules in the mail. my senior year. they've screwed it up....or well, in my opinion they have. my counselor is a douche and he's not going to do what i want. hes not the one that sits through those classes everyday. i dont like him. it's frustrating me, because this is reality that summer is coming to a close and now i'm really going to have to make some adult decisions. i've wanted this for so long, I always thought i was so ready to leave home and that I could handle it. I was so wrong. I dont need pressuring, i know in time i'll be ready, but right now its coming at me full blast. My boyfriend, ryan, is completely ready. I wish I was. I envy that part of him that is completely stable with himself. I'm far too attached to my little cave that I call my room in my parents house. I jokingly told my dad that I was going to live with him in his basement forever. He laughed and told me he wouldn't allow that, but I love that deep down my parents never want to let me go.

.

at times like these i have to remind myself that right now. in this moment. there is nothing wrong. im eating twizzlers and im completely fine. when i really think about it, i basically know that i'm going to UNI for graphic design.....i know. i don't have a decision to make. but im still afraid.

.

--on a lighter note. i started Twilight tonight. I'm only 27 pages in, but i like it so far :) im not much of a reader, but i kind of broke down and decided to follow the crowd and read it.

i know its not correct, but i like it centered.

that picture has nothing to do with anything. this morning, i start the 6,435th day of my life. what have i done that is significant? i've woken up with this bad feeling of having to actually decide what i'm going to do today. I instantly go into the mindset of "what is safe?" and i start to think of things that i can clutter my day with like cleaning my room, showering, going to the mall, you know, stuff within my comfort zone.

this whole feeling of not wanting to go out of my box started on a church trip that I've gone on three summers in a row now. This year we traveled to Daytona Beach, Florida for seven days. I was feeling a little bit homesick, so I wasn't feeling good. It was miserable. I didn't sleep for days. I started to panic because I felt so alone, even with over 100 people that I knew and some of my closest friends. Ever since then, I have little spurts throughtout the day where I feel like I could crumble into a million pieces. I have times where all I want to do is cry. Not to add drama. Just because it makes me feel better..........for a little while. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. My sister tells me that I'm not alone and there are so many people that know exactly how I feel, but some days I don't believe her. I feel so unstable. my momma tells me that im not crazy. one thing that i am truly greatful for is that through all of this, i've become increasingly closer to my mom and my sister. i feel as though, even if i haven't had a conversation with them that day, they're silent reminders for me, that i'll get through this, even when they don't feel that way.

Now don't get me wrong, I have my good days. I haven't lost my sense of sarcasm while losing my mind. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do today and I have this idea of something to do for somebody else and I'm so excited to do it. I'm about ready to skip showering all together, just so I can do this. I can't tell you what that is, because they might be reading this, but to some extent, I'm finding extreme joy in this dumb little thing. And that's when I know my sister was right.....she told me one time, a few weeks ago, while I was in the middle of my first panic attack, "Alyssa, you need to tell yourself positive thoughts, even when you don't believe them, and eventually you will." and I know that everything is going to be alright.

as im closing this blog, i'm listening to Politik by Coldplay and I never really listened to the lyrics, I mean, I know them by heart, but I've never really thought about them, so here they are:

Look at earth from outer space.

Everyone must find a place.

Give me time and give me space

Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul

Give me time, give us a kiss

Tell me your own Politik

And open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Just open up your eyes

Give me one, 'cause one is best

In confusion, confidence

Give me piece of mind and trust

Don't forget the rest of us

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul

Wounds that heal and cracks that fix

Oh Love, tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes

Just open up your eyes

But give me love over, love over, love over this

And give me love over this

surprise me.

I don't know how to start this. I've never been good at introductions. That's probably why 99% of my english papers are turned in late, because I can't start them, but with that said, I've come to realize that I do not write enough for fun and the stuff that I do write, I find embarrassing enough to throw away. Recently, my life is going crazy. I feel as if I see a little bit more clearly than I did before. I don't know what it was, but I feel like I understand things just a little bit better than I did before. Along with this new understanding has come an unbelievable awareness of my surroundings. I've become increasingly afraid of the future, afraid to have to make any decision that may turn out negatively, along with this comes the trials of everyday life and actually living out the beliefs that I've said I believe all this time. They are now being put to the test and it scares the living hell out of me.

I was talking to one of my best friends, Kristen, today. We were having a conversation about how recent events in my life have led me to have to actually live out my faith and the things that I've told myself and others that I have believed for so long. She proceeded to walk across the room and grab a book that she reads a chapter from everyday called "Surprise Me" by Terry Esau. Today was about being a "robot christian" and "to make a long story short" (as my mother would say), it said that Jesus died for us because he knew he could handle our questions and our sins and how we can't just be "normal", we have to be out there, step out of our comfort zones and really live out what we believe....

this is where my panic begins....

our pizza is late.

i dont know how to start this.... but i dont really feel like this^^ today....